WELCOME, EVERYBODY!
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF CHOICES.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US OUT THERE, BUT ESPECIALLY FOR
JOINING US IN HERE, BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE THE WARRIORS OF
THE FROST!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY WAITED OUTSIDE IN SUBZERO
WIND CHILLS TO SEE THE SHOW ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S INTENSE.
>> Stephen: I JUST WISH IT WAS A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I JUST -- ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT?
I'M BEING TOLD IT'S A GREAT SHOW.
WONDERFUL.
THAT'S NICE BECAUSE THEY'VE WAITED SO LONG.
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU KNOW, WHILE THEY WERE
WAITING, WE WENT OUTSIDE AND GAVE THESE PEOPLE
SOME HOT CHOCOLATE-- OR FROZEN YOGURT DEPENDING ON HOW FAST IT
GOT TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NATION IS GRIPPED WITH COLD
RIGHT NOW.
DESPITE THE COLD, YOU KNOW WHO'S ALL HOT AND BOTHERED?
DONALD TRUMP.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
THE PRESIDENT'S INTELLIGENCE CHIEFS PUBLICLY CONTRADICTED HIM
TUESDAY, SO TODAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE, HE WAS ASKED IF HE STILL
BELIEVED IN THEM.
>> DO YOU STILL HAVE CONFIDENCE IN GINA HASPEL AND
DAN COATS TO GIVE YOU GOOD ADVICE?
>> NO, I DISAGREE WITH CERTAIN THINGS THAT THEY SAID, I THINK
I'M RIGHT, BUT TIME WILL PROVE THAT-- TIME WILL PROVE ME
RIGHT, PROBABLY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: TIME AFTER TIME
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU ALL DISAGREE, BUT ONLY OVER WHAT THE
EXISTENTIAL THREATS TO AMERICA ARE.
ANYBODY'S GUESS.
REALLY INSPIRES CONFIDENCE.
IT REMINDS ME OF LINCOLN'S STIRRING WORDS AT GETTYSBURG:
"THIS GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE,
SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.
PROBABLY."
( LAUGHTER ) WHO KNOWS, I DON'T KNOW.
AND LATER THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT WHAT THE INTEL
CHIEFS SAID TO CONGRESS WASN'T ACTUALLY WHAT THEY SAID TO
CONGRESS.
>> DID YOU TALK TO YOUR INTELLIGENCE CHIEFS TODAY ABOUT
THE DISPLEASURE YOU HAD WITH THEIR TESTIMONY?
>> I DID.
THEY SAID THAT THEY WERE TOTALLY MISQUOTED AND THEY WERE
TOTALLY... IT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.
WHAT I'D DO IS I SUGGEST THAT YOU CALL THEM THEY SAID IT WAS
FAKE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: UH-HUH, SURE.
"THEY" SAID IT WAS FAKE NEWS.
(AS TRUMP) "THEY SAID IT WAS FAKE NEWS AND
THAT THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS VERY, AND I QUOTE, 'SAD.'"
( LAUGHTER ) "THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY WERE MISQUOTED?
THERE WERE CAMERAS!
IT WAS LIVE.
WE ALL WATCHED IT.
I THINK WE'RE SEEING A PREVIEW OF HIS NEXT BIG DENIAL.
(AS TRUMP) "I SPOKE TO THE TWO LOVELY
RUSSIAN LADIES IN THE VIDEO, THEY SAID THEIR PEE PEE WAS
TOTALLY TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN EVENTUALLY TOTALLY OUT OF THE MATTRESS.
STEAM CLEANED IT, TOTALLY.
DIDN'T HAPPEN.
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: WELL, SIR, TO HELP YOU OUT, SINCE YOU SEEM
CONFUSED, WE'VE PROVIDED THE FULL CONTEXT:
>> ISIS WILL CONTINUE TO BE A THREAT TO THE UNITED STATES.
>> WE HAVE WON AGAINST ISIS.
>> NORTH KOREA WILL SEEK TO RETAIN ITS W.M.D. CAPABILITIES.
>> WE'RE WELL ON OUR WAY TO GET DENUCLEARIZATION.
>> WE DO NOT BELIEVE IRAN IS CURRENTLY UNDERTAKING ACTIVITIES
WE JUDGE NECESSARY TO PRODUCE A NUCLEAR DEVICE.
>> THE WORLD'S LEADING STATE SPONSOR OF TERROR WILL BE ON
THE CUSP OF ACQUIRING THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS WEAPONS.
>> WE EXPECT RUSSIA WILL CONTINUE TO WAGE ITS
INFORMATION WAR AGAINST DEMOCRACIES.
>> I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN, HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA.
I WILL SAY THIS, I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY IT WOULD BE.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, AFTER VIEWING THAT, SOME WOULD SAY THAT DONALD
TRUMP IS DENYING REALITY AT A LEVEL THAT IS CLINICALLY INSANE.
OTHERS WOULD SAY IT TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY!
HEY!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: AND TRUMP
EXPLAINED THERE'S AN EASY WAY TO AVOID ANOTHER GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN, JUST GIVE HIM EVERYTHING HE WANTS.
>> IF THEY DON'T GIVE US A WALL, IT DOESN'T WORK.
WITHOUT A WALL IT DOESN'T WORK.
IF THERE'S NO WALL, IT DOESN'T WORK.
IF THERE'S NO WALL, IT DOESN'T WORK.
IF WE DON'T PUT UP A PHYSICAL BARRIER, YOU CAN FORGET IT.
>> STEPHEN: SO, THAT'S IT.
NO WALL, NO GOVERNMENT.
AND THERE IS NO WALL.
EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL POINT: >> WE ARE... BUILDING A LOT OF
WALL, YOU KNOW I'M NOT WAITING ON THIS COMMITTEE.
WE'RE BUILDING THE WALL RIGHT NOW.
THE WALL IS GOING UP RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE BUILDING A LOT OF WALL.
WE'RE BUILDING SOME BRAND-NEW SECTIONS, LARGE SECTIONS.
THE WALL IS GETTING BUILT.
IT'S GETTING BUILT, AND IT'S GETTING BUILT SUBSTANTIALLY.
>> STEPHEN: SO HE'S GOING TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT UNLESS
HE GETS THE WALL WE ALREADY HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT WAS HE LIKE AS A DAD?
(AS TRUMP) "ERIC, DON, GET DOWN HERE AND
FINISH YOUR DINNERS, WHICH I ATE HOURS AGO.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY, REALLY FANTASTIC."
( PIANO RIFF ) "CHICKEN NUGGETS."
THEN TRUMP THREATENED TO TAKE AWAY THE PARTS OF THE WALL THAT
DO EXIST.
>> BY THE WAY, IF YOU GO TO TIJUANA AND YOU TAKE DOWN THAT
WALL, YOU WILL HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE COMING INTO OUR COUNTRY
THAT NANCY PELOSI WILL BE BEGGING FOR A WALL.
SHE WILL BE BEGGING FOR A WALL.
SHE WILL SAY, "MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE US A WALL!"
I'M NOT SAYING THIS AS A REPUBLICAN, I'M NOT SAYING THIS
AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FACT-STATER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: A "FACT STATER?"
TRUMP LIES SO MUCH, HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE WORD FOR NOT
LYING.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, WHO WANTS TO PLAY A GAME OF FACTSTATE OR DARE?"
( LAUGHTER ) I DARE YOU TO FACTSTATE.
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN THOUGH HE HASN'T GOTTEN HIS
WALL, TRUMP FOUND PLENTY TO BE PROUD OF.
>> I'VE ACCOMPLISHED PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING ELSE.
LOOK, I ACCOMPLISHED THE MILITARY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE KNOW THAT.
THAT'S WELL KNOWN.
HE ACCOMPLISHED THE MILITARY.
WHO CAN FORGET HIS BANNER: MILITARY ACCOMPLISHED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EARLIER IN THE DAY, TRUMP TRIED A DIFFERENT WALL STRATEGY,
TWEETING, "LETS JUST CALL THEM WALLS FROM NOW ON AND STOP
PLAYING POLITICAL GAMES!
A WALL IS A WALL!" YEAH, LET'S STOP PLAYING THESE
POLITICAL GAMES.
WHO WAS THAT JERK WHO KEPT INSISTING ON NOT CALLING THE
WALL THE WALL?
>> IF I HAVE A STEEL WALL, OR YOU COULD CALL IT A STEEL
FENCE.
BARRIERS, FENCING OR WALLS OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.
BARRIERS, WALLS, CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT.
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT IS OKAY WITH ME.
THEY CAN NAME IT WHATEVER.
THEY CAN NAME IT "PEACHES."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: PEACHES...
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "WE'RE GONNA BUILD A GIANT
PEACH, AND JAMES IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUILD THE PEACH!
BUILD THE PEACH!" ( AUDIENCE CHANTING "BUILD THE
PEACH" ) >> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S IT!
WOW, THAT SHOULD BE HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
THERE YOU GO.
TRUMP ALSO ANNOUNCED, "MORE TROOPS BEING SENT TO THE
SOUTHERN BORDER TO STOP THE ATTEMPTED INVASION OF ILLEGALS,
THROUGH LARGE CARAVANS, INTO OUR COUNTRY.
WE HAVE STOPPED THE PREVIOUS CARAVANS, AND WE WILL STOP THESE
ALSO.
WITH A WALL IT WOULD BE SOOOO MUCH EASIER AND LESS EXPENSIVE.
BEING BUILT!" ( LAUGHTER )
HE CAN'T GET A WALL, SO HE'S SENDING IN THE ARMY TO COVER UP
FOR HIS FAILURES.
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S OUR NEW MOTTO: I MADE SOME
OOPSIES, SO SEND IN THE TROOPSIES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
ELLEN PAGE IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY STAFF HAS SOME QUESTIONS FOR THE SUPER
BOWL PLAYERS!
STICK AROUND!