WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS FRIDAY!
YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK, MY FRIEND.
NOT ONLY IS IT FRIDAY, IT IS TWO FRIDAYS RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
IT IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
BUT, SADLY, JON, SOME PEOPLE AREN'T HAVING A HOLLY, JOLLY
CHRISTMAS: THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CORPS.
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP HAS CANCELED THE WHITE HOUSE
CHRISTMAS PARTY FOR THE PRESS.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) EXACTLY!
YOU CANCELLED CHRISTMAS?
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO CAMPAIGNED ON THIS:
>> IF I BECOME PRESIDENT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE SAYING, "MERRY
CHRISTMAS" AGAIN.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "JUST NOT TO YOU, JIM ACOSTA.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, YOU GET A 'MERRY SUCK IT.'"
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY IS A TRADITION THAT HAS GONE BACK FOR
DECADES AT THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE PRESS REALLY LOOKS FORWARD
TO IT.
THE FOX NEWS PEOPLE REALLY LOVED KISSING TRUMP'S ASS UNDER THE
MISTLETOE.
NOW, IN THE PAST, VISITORS GOT TO ROAM THE DECORATED MANSION
WITH A SPOUSE OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER-- ALTHOUGH, THIS YEAR,
YOU'D RISK GETTING LOST IN THE FOREST OF BLOOD TREES.
STILL, CHRISTMAS WITH THE TRUMPS MIGHT NOT BE THAT FUN, BECAUSE,
APPARENTLY, DONALD TRUMP IS A SERIAL RE-GIFTER.
DON JR. EXPLAINED TO A TV CAMERA:
>> I'M THE NAMESAKE, SO I GOT RE-GIFTED ALL OF THE THINGS THAT
WERE MONOGRAMMED FOR HIM AT TIMES.
>> Stephen: HE GAVE STUFF TO HIS SON BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE
SAME INITIALS?
I WONDER WHO ELSE HE TRIED TO RE-GIFT ON.
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, DANNY TREJO IS SAYING, "I THOUGHT HE MADE
THIS SPECIAL FOR ME!" ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ THAT'S DANNY'S HAPPY FACE.
AND AS WITH ALL THINGS TRUMP, IT GETS WORSE.
>> THERE WAS ONE CHRISTMAS WHERE HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE GIVEN ME
THE GIFT THAT I GAVE HIM THE YEAR BEFORE, BECAUSE I
MONOGRAMMED IT, AND IT WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH, HERE."
I'M LIKE, "I KNOW YOU DIDN'T GET THIS."
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE I GAVE IT TO YOU LAST YEAR.
>> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE HE NEVER THINKS OF ME."
IF YOU'RE TRAVELING TO SEE YOUR HOSTILE RELATIVES THIS YEAR, I
MAY HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU BECAUSE DELTA IS PROHIBITING
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMALS ON LONG FLIGHTS.
WHAT?
I NEED AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL TO BOOK A FLIGHT ON
DELTA.
( LAUGHTER ) DELTA SAYS THEY'VE SEEN AN 84%
INCREASE IN INCIDENTS INVOLVING ANIMALS SINCE 2016.
WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME DELTA.
IT'S NO FUN TO BE STUCK ON A LONG FLIGHT NEXT TO SOMEONE'S
SERVICE BADGER.
DELTA'S NOT THE ONLY ONE CHANGING THEIR POLICIES.
SO IS "THE WASHINGTON POST'S" FACT CHECKER.
IT USED TO BE THAT WHEN A POLITICIAN WOULD LIE, "THE POST"
WOULD JUDGE IT ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FOUR PINOCCHIO HEADS, BASED
ON THE FAMOUS TALE WHERE EVERY TIME PINOCCHIO LIED, HE'D GROW A
NEW HEAD.
BUT TRUMP IS SUCH A PROLIFIC LIAR, THEY'VE HAD TO INTRODUCE A
NEW LEVEL: THE BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO.
BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO, OF COURSE, IS ALSO WHAT YOU GET WHEN HE
GOES A NUDE BEACH.
HE IS A REAL BOY.
( LAUGHTER ) TO QUALIFY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKE NAKED PUPPETS!
NAKED PUPPETS!
THANK YOU.
TO QUALIFY FOR THIS NEW BOTTOMLESS PINOCCHIO RATING,
"THE CLAIMS MUST HAVE RECEIVED THREE OR FOUR PINOCCHIOS FROM
THE FACT CHECKER, AND THEY MUST HAVE BEEN REPEATED AT LEAST 20
TIMES."
BUT SO FAR, THE "POST" HAS NOT IDENTIFIED ANY OTHER CURRENT
ELECTED OFFICIAL WHO MEETS THE STANDARD OTHER THAN TRUMP.
WELL, THAT'S QUITE A DISTINCTION.
FOR DONALD TRUMP, THIED INVENT A NEW SCALE.
JUST LIKE THE ONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE THAT ONLY GOES TO 239
POUNDS.
ACCORDING-- ACCORDING-- ACCORDING TO "THE WASHINGTON
POST," 14 STATEMENTS MADE BY THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY QUALIFY
FOR THE LIST INCLUDE THE UNITED STATES SPENT $7 TRILLION IN THE
MIDDLE EAST-- 36 TIMES.
THE UNITED STATES PAYS FOR MOST OF THE COST OF NATO-- 87 TIMES.
AND THE 37 TIMES TRUMP SAID, "I BOUGHT YOU THIS CHRISTMAS
PRESENT, DON, JR."
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