As you may know, Kevin Hart stepped down
from hosting the Oscars last week.
Although I don't know how you step down from anything
when you're his height.
-(laughter) -And now the Oscars
are trying to find a host
who has no history of offensive tweets.
Which means... nobody.
The Oscars may go without a host.
Published reports say the Academy's considering
scrapping the gig after Kevin Hart stepped down.
The Academy held a board meeting last night,
but so far, no official word on the host position.
The Oscars have gone host-less before,
but not since 1988.
No...!
-(laughter) -The Oscars will have no host.
But who will introduce the person
who introduces the presenter who introduces the nominee?
Who will tell me that Amy Adams is in the audience.
No!
Seriously, sometimes I don't get the Oscars.
It's, like, why does America celebrate the best movies
with the worst TV show?
Like, I don't get it.
Like, if you ask me, they should use this opportunity
to revamp the entire show. Yeah.
Don't have a host. In fact, don't even have a presenter
for the awards, right?
The people in each category should have to announce
who gets their award.
Then we'll really get to see Best Actor. Yeah.
Won't have to give it to someone else.
The winner is... Aw, hell! Yay!
And also, and also, they should change the In Memoriam segment.
Instead of showing the people who died last year,
they should show the people
who they think are gonna die next year.
Then you can enjoy the applause now. Yeah.
Moving on.
The Holland Tunnel.
Right here in New York City.
It's one of the most frustrating tunnels to drive through.
But not everyone hates it for the same reason.
A New Jersey man is taking on the Port Authority.
He is not happy with how they've decked the halls
at the Holland Tunnel,
and he wants the decorations to be changed.
On the New Jersey side of the Holland Tunnel,
a reef covers the "O" in Holland perfectly
this time of year,
like it was designed for that spot.
Another reef covers the "U" in "tunnel" snugly.
And then there's the tree.
MAN: You're creeping up inch by inch,
and that tree is just staring at you,
and you go, "How is... how is that not in the right place?"
NEWSMAN: The right place for the tree,
Cory Windelspecht says, is over the preceding "A,"
which would, he says...
...seem to fit a tree shape perfectly.
(laughter)
Yo, yo, ladies, ladies...
find you a man who cares about you as much as this guy cares
about the Holland Tunnel's Christmas decorations.
Now, this guy's been so serious and he's pushed so hard
that the state has said they're actually gonna consider
changing the decorations.
But I can only imagine all the New Jersey bureaucracy
that's gonna be involved, you know?
There's gonna be people in New Jersey being like,
"You've got to fill out form W-7J,"
but because it's Jersey, it's gonna be, like,
on the form: "You got a (bleep) problem, tough buy?"
Followed by form J-2-7, where you explain:
"Wait, you know Little Anthony?
"If yes-- from the old neighborhood?
No kidding. His ma used to make the best chicken cutlets."
Moving on to international news.
Poor Britain, guys.
In 2016, they voted for Brexit,
which was to leave the European Union,
but they can't figure out a way to do it
that doesn't screw themselves.
In fact, this week Theresa May, their prime minister,
offered a Brexit plan that was so unpopular
that her own party held a vote to kick her out of office.
Yeah. Now, she survived that vote,
and the good news actually is, for her,
is that she won, but the bad news is,
is that she has had to promise that as soon as Brexit is done,
she will leave.
Which is a terrible deal for her.
It's basically, "I'll do the worst part of the job,
and then I'll quit."
It's also a bad deal for Britain,
because you don't want someone doing a tough job
if they know they're gonna be fired no matter what happens.
Like, if I was a surgeon and I knew I was getting fired
after I finished a kidney transplant, you better believe
I'm replacing that kidney with a whoopee cushion.
I don't play games.
I'm out! What do you want me to do? I'm out!
I'm gone!
(cheers and applause)
But, but now, but now, in an interesting twist,
Britain might have an out because the European court--
the E.U. court has just ruled that if Britain wants to,
it can cancel Brexit without facing anything repercussions.
Which sounds like a great deal to me.
I wish there were bad decisions I could just magically undo
without any repercussions.
Yeah, but I can't.
And now I'm pregnant.
Moving on. Finally...
Let's talk about Christmas shopping.
It's the only time of the year you're allowed
to fight an old lady for a panini press.
And everyone knows that when it comes to gift giving,
it's the thought that counts.
Well, not everyone knows.
Donald Trump, Jr. is revealing
what Christmas is like in the Trump family.
The president's eldest son said his father is a "regifter."
There was one Christmas where he may or may not have given me
the gift that I had given him the year before
because I monogrammed it.
And he was like, "Oh, yeah, here."
Like, I'm like, "I know you didn't get this."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I gave it to you last year."
(laughs)
Yeah, you laugh now, Don, Jr., but wait until next Christmas
when he tries to re-gift you his subpoenas.
(mimics Trump): "Oh, look, it says you're impeached
and you're going to jail. Merry Christmas, son."
(normal voice): You know, I...
(whooping, cheering)
I don't know... I don't know what's more awkward,
Trump re-gifting something to his son
or the time he gave Melania and Stormy Daniels the same penis.
Oh!
-Oh! -(laughter)
-Oh! -(cheers and applause)
Oh!
-Oh! -(applause)
(mimics Urkel from Family Matters): Did I do that?
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