It is no secret that the Trump administration
has, like, a lot going on right now.
First of all, everything Trump has ever been involved in
is being investigated.
His company, his charity,
his presidential campaign,
his inauguration, his presidency...
It's like he has the Midas touch,
but instead of gold, everything he touches turns to crimes.
But while that's going on, there are also big changes
happening in Trump's White House.
For the past week, the president has been searching
for someone to replace his chief of staff, John Kelly,
a man who's endured so much stress,
it's easy to forget that he's only 26 years old.
(laughter)
And-and Trump has been getting rejected
over and over, over this job, right?
Nick Ayers said no.
Chris Christie said no.
Ben Carson started to say no,
and he should be finished saying no by Christmas.
It takes a very long time for him to say things.
But finally over the weekend,
Trump found somebody willing
to take the worst job in the country.
Breaking news: President Trump has named Mick Mulvaney,
the current director of Management and Budget,
as his acting chief of staff.
"Trump grew deeply frustrated at the rejections
"and the media narrative that no one of high stature
"wanted to be his chief of staff...
"...so he decided suddenly on Friday afternoon
"to tap Mulvaney... He met Friday with Trump
"for a scheduled discussion of the budget showdown,
officials said, but he left as the acting chief of staff."
Okay. That is incredible.
Mick Mulvaney, the budget director
and Midlife Crisis Harry Potter,
-(laughter) -came into the Oval Office, right,
for a meeting about the budget,
and then Trump just ambushed him with another job offer.
He's like, "So, about this budget,
chief of staff says what?" "What, sir?"
"He said it, folks.
Legally binding. No backsies."
Like, it makes it sound like the job search
frustrated Trump so much, he just decided he'd hire
whoever came through the door next.
And I'm just saying we should be grateful
that Mick Mulvaney got the job and not the White House Roomba.
-(laughter) -Could've just been like,
"The next one that...
"Congratulations to the new chief of staff.
"High energy. Always on the move.
"And just like Eric, spends his days eating garbage
-off the floor, folks." -(laughter)
And the reason... now, the reason filling that position
was so hard is that it's almost impossible to find someone
who likes President Trump.
And it turns out the new guy doesn't, either.
NEWSWOMAN: In a matter of days,
he'll be Donald Trump's right-hand man,
but in the days before the president was elected,
it appeared Mick Mulvaney could barely stand him.
(laughter, gasping, whooping)
(applause, cheering)
Oh, man.
That is a big jump.
From calling someone a terrible human being
to becoming their right-hand man.
That, like, that's the kind of change of heart
you only see in romantic comedies, you know?
It's always like, "I'm the captain of the sports team
and she's a dumb nerd," and then 80 minutes later,
it's like, "Wow, once I got to know her, she had a vagina."
And to be honest, finding this out actually...
it made me feel better about Mulvaney, because...
I don't think we want anyone working in the White House
who doesn't think Trump is a terrible human being.
Right? I know that seems weird,
but at least we know that Mulvaney's normal.
-(laughter) -Yeah.
When Trump goes for that nuclear football, you're gonna want
someone reasonable within tackling distance.
That's all I'm saying.
And maybe, like, maybe giving Mulvaney this job
was Trump's form of revenge or... or was something else.
Either way, it's good that the president
was able to fill that role, because it turns out
he already has another position he needs to fill.
Breaking news out of the White House this morning.
Ryan Zinke is out as Secretary of the Interior.
Ryan Zinke is stepping down
after two years at the agency
and 17 separate investigations into his conduct.
White House officials had been pushing Zinke to resign
for weeks, concerned about the number of investigations
the Democrat-majority House could bring against Zinke.
You know what? Donald Trump's White House
is like the club after midnight.
For every guy that comes in, someone else has to leave.
Actually, when you think about it,
Trump's White House is exactly like the club, right?
You always wonder when the cops are gonna shut it down,
it's full of weirdo Russians,
there's never enough women, and when the lights come on,
everyone wonders why they didn't leave sooner,
be like, "Why did we stay so long?"
And also, like, considering how many investigations
Trump is facing, it's weird that he's firing Zinke
for being under investigation.
You know? It's a bit hypocritical.
He's like, "You got too much heat on you, man.
"You just, there's too many people--
"hold on, I'm getting a subpoena, hold on--
"my reputation is just too--
"hold on, another subpoena, hold on--
"too precious, and what I'm talking about is respect...
"Oh, the Feds are here.
Cover me while I shoot my way out of here."
But no matter how many people join the White House,
and no matter how many people leave the White House,
Donald Trump can rest easy knowing he's got one guy
who's his ride-or-die.
Stephen Miller.
This guy over here,
he's the architect of Trump's cruelest immigration policies:
the Muslim ban, deporting Dreamers,
throwing kids in cages-- that was all him.
Yeah. If Trump is Scarface,
say hello to his little friend.
And this weekend, Miller was back on TV,
talking about how America has to pay for the wall,
emphasis on "to pay."
We're gonna do whatever is necessary
to build the border wall
to stop this ongoing crisis of illegal immigration.
TV REPORTER: And that means a shutdown?
This is a, this is a very-- if it comes to it, absolutely.
-Uh, did you, uh... -(laughter)
D-Did you catch that? Did you ca...?
Did you guys, did you guys catch that?
N-Not the stuff, not the stuff about the southern border.
No. I'm talking about the new, the new border up here.
What's going on over there? Huh?
A bit of a migration happening...
another way.
Yeah. All weekend, all weekend, people were wondering
what the hell happened with Stephen Miller's hair.
And I get why.
It's like someone said, "Who here hates immigrants?"
And his hair was like, "This guy. This guy over here."
(laughter)
Although, I don't think
we should be going after Miller, right?
I think we should going after his barber Sherwin Williams.
That's who we should be going after.
We should really be going after them.
Like, seriously, it barely even looks like hair.
What is that?
Who let him leave the house like that?
Wh...
It looks like he got head-butted by Stephen Segal and it stuck.
(laughter)
And, I mean, I guess I support Stephen Miller on this
because I'm just happy
when he does anything to cover up his face.
I wish he-- you know, he'd just carry on.
Just go further with that. Let's see how far--
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's a good looking guy.
I like that.
You know what's crazy about this whole situation
is that Trump hates it when his people look bad on TV.
All right? He hates it when people look weird,
when they look stupid, when they get mocked,
which means this might be the only thing
that could get Patch Adams over here, fired.
Yeah. Tomorrow the president's gonna call him in like,
(mimics Trump): "I'm sorry, Stephen. There's no place
"in this White House for someone with dumb hair.
Roomba, escort him out!"
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