WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JON, WE HAVE FORMER FIRST LADY
MICHELLE OBAMA OUT HERE TONIGHT,
AND I AM SUPER EXCITED.
THE BOOK "BECOMING," I'VE READ
IT.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BOOK.
I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
BUT UNTIL WE GET THERE, IN THE
MEANTIME, FOLKS, THE MUELLER
INVESTIGATION IS CLOSING IN.
AND--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DONALD TRUMP HAS FLOWN TO
ARGENTINA.
YOU KNOW, THE COUNTRY ALL THE
GOOD GUYS FLEE TO.
HE'S THERE FOR THE BIG G20
SUMMIT.
TODAY, HE SIGNED A REVISED NAFTA
AGREEMENT, AND HE WAS JAZZED.
>> WE'RE GATHERED TOGETHER THIS
AFTERNOON FOR A VERY HISTORIC
OCCASION, THE SIGNING CEREMONY
FOR A BRAND NEW TRADE DEAL.
>> Stephen: YES, THIS AFTERNOON.
JUST ONE PROBLEM.
IT WAS 9:24 A.M.
( LAUGHTER )
HOW DO THEY PREPARE HIM FOR
THESE SUMENTZ.
DO THEY JUST POP A BAG ON HIS
HEAD, SPIN HIM AROUND AND SEND
HIM OUT THERE?
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS,
WHERE I AM, OR WHO YOU ARE, SO
I'M JUST GOING TO GO WITH 'HELLO
WISCONSIN!
LOCK HER UP!'"
AND-- I DON'T-- I LOVE-- I
LOVE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP'S FOREIGN POLICY HAS HIT A
BIT OF A ROUGH PATCH.
HE JUST HAD TO CANCEL HIS
MEETING WITH BESTIE VLADIMIR
PUTIN OVER A NAVAL SKIRMISH WITH
UKRAINE.
AND IN THE SENATE, BACK IN THE
STATES, EVEN REPUBLICANS THINK
HE'S COVERING UP CROWN PRINCE
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN'S ROLE IN
THE BRUTAL KHASHOGGI MURDER.
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
>> Stephen: SO THINGS ARE TENSE
RIGHT NOW FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT
NOT FOR PUTIN AND MOHAMMED BIN
SALMAN.
CHECK IT OUT.
"WHAT UP, YOU PSYCHO?
HEY, HOW'S IT HANGIN', BRO?
MORE LIKE, WHO YOU HANGIN', AM I
RIGHT?
HEY, TRUMP'S LYING ABOUT YOUR
MURDERS?
HE'S LYING ABOUT MY MURDERS,
TOO.
HA-HA, WE KILL PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING-- THEY SEEM NICE.
SPEAKING OF VLADIMIR PUTIN, YOU
KNOW THE TRUMP TOWER MOSCOW, YOU
KNOW THAT THING, OR AS DONALD
TRUMP DESCRIBES IT:
"TOWER?
WHAT TOWER?
THERE'S NO TOWER.
OH, THAT TOWER?
YEAH, LIKE I'VE ALWAYS SAID,
TOWER."
WELL, APPARENTLY, TO GET THE
DEAL DONE, DURING THE
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, THE TRUMP
ORGANIZATION PLANNED TO GIVE
VLADIMIR PUTIN A $50 MILLION
PENTHOUSE.
BUT IT'S ONLY FAIR.
AFTER ALL, PUTIN GAVE TRUMP A
WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: ALLEGEDLY.
ALLEGEDLY.
NOW, $50 MILLION DOLLARS SOUNDS
LIKE A LOT.
BUT THIS PLACE WAS MOVE-IN,
DICTATOR READY.
JUST LOOK AT THE PLANS: IT HAD
FOUR BEDROOMS, THREE BATHS,
EIGHT HOLDING CELLS, A WALK-IN
GULAG, AND AN OPEN-CONCEPT TIGER
PIT.
( LAUGHTER )
THE PLAN WAS TO GIVE THE
PENTHOUSE TO PUTIN IN ORDER TO
ENTICE OTHER WEALTHY BUYERS TO
PURCHASE THEIR OWN.
ALL THE OLIGARCHS WOULD LINE UP
TO LIVE IN THE SAME BUILDING AS
PUTIN.
REALLY?
PUTIN DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A GREAT
NEIGHBOR.
"HEY!
UH, VLAD, HATE TO BRING THIS UP,
BUT I KEEP HEARING SOUNDS OF
SCREAMING AND BEGGING AT NIGHT,
AND THE CONDO BOARD AGREED YOU
CAN'T TORTURE AFTER 11:00 P.M.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST THAT MY
KIDS ARE TRYING TO SLEEP AND--
I MEAN-- I DON'T HAVE KIDS!
I HAVE NO LOVED ONES!
NEVER MIND.
PLEASE DON'T ANNEX MY
APARTMENT!"
( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP RESPONDED TO THE SCANDAL
BY SAYING IT'S NO SCANDAL,
TWEETING, "OH, I GET IT!
I AM A VERY GOOD DEVELOPER,
HAPPILY LIVING MY LIFE."
OKAY, THAT'S ALREADY THREE LIES
RIGHT THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
HERE WE GO, JIM:
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
"VERY COOL."
I THINK THAT'S JUST HIS WAY OF
SAYING, "I'M NOT A CROOK."
NIXON SHOULD HAVE TRIED THAT.
"I'M VERY LEGAL.
VERY COOL.
I'M A WAY GONE CAT, DADDIO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"I'M A HIP DADDY."
( APPLAUSE )
HE TWEETED ON:
"TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL-- DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT-- LIGHTLY LOOKED AT
DOING A BUILDING SOMEWHERE IN
RUSSIA.
PUT UP ZERO MONEY, ZERO
GUARANTEES, AND DIDN'T DO THE
PROJECT.
WITCH HUNT!"
OH, OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
HE JUST LIGHTLY LOOKED AT IT.
"OFFICER, I DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY.
I JUST LIGHTLY PUSHED HIM OFF
THE BALCONY.
WHICH WAS VERY HIGH.
AND VERY COOL."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND--
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
STOP.
STOP.
YOU'RE-- IT TURNS OUT-- IT TURNS
OUT THESE CRIMES MIGHT NOT BE
ENTIRELY LEGAL,
BECAUSE WE LEARNED ALL THIS FROM
THE PLEA DEAL OF FORMER TRUMP
ATTORNEY AND GUY THE VAMPIRE IS
ONLY HALFWAY DONE WITH, HUMAN
EYORE, MICHAEL COHEN.
SEE, COHEN WAS IN CHARGE OF
NEGOTIATING TRUMP TOWER MOSCOW,
ALONG WITH RUSSIAN FIXER, AND
BERT AND ERNIE'S LOVE CHILD,
FELIX SATER.
AS PART OF THIS DEAL, THE TRUMP
TOWER DEAL, COHEN HANDING
HIS EMAILS FROM SATER, INCLUDING
THIS ONE FROM 2015: "I WILL GET
PUTIN ON THIS PROGRAM, AND WE
WILL GET DONALD ELECTED.
I KNOW HOW TO PLAY IT, AND WE
WILL GET THIS DONE.
BUDDY, OUR BOY CAN BECOME
PRESIDENT OF THE U.S.A., AND WE
CAN ENGINEER IT."
>> Jon: OH, MY.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY
DAMNING.
IT DIDN'T HELP THAT HE SENT IT
FROM ObviousColluder@Treason.ru.
I WANT TO POINT SOMETHING OUT.
I WANT TO POINT SOMETHING OUT
ABOUT THE VERBIAGE THERE:
"BUDDY, OUR BOY?!"
OUR DEMOCRACY'S BEING UNDERMINED
BY A COMMUNITY THEATER
PRODUCTION OF "GUYS AND DOLLS."
"I KNOW HOW TO PLAY IT.
SEE, YOU RELEASE THE DAME'S
EMAILS, THEN BUDDY, OUR BOY,
WILL BE SITTING IN THE CATBIRD'S
SEAT, AND THOSE CHUMPS WILL BE
NONE THE WISER.
♪ HIS NAME IS DONALD TRUMP
HE'S GOT A BIG FAT RUMP
♪ AND HE'LL WIN AFTER THE EMAIL
DUMP
♪ CAN DO, CAN DO ♪
I DON'T KNOW THE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: IT'S A MUSICAL!"
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT
SONG IS CALLED "FUGUE FOR
DOUCHEBAGS.
TRUMP'S BUSINESS ISN'T THE ONLY
AREA OF POSSIBLE COLLUSION.
MUELLER'S ALSO INVESTIGATING
TRUMP CONFIDANTE AND MAN
SCREAMING, "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH
ME, BATMAN," ROGER STONE.
( LAUGHTER )
STONE EXCHANGED EMAILS WITH
CONSPIRACY THEORIST JEROME
CORSI, INSTRUCTING CORSI TO TALK
TO JULIAN ASSANGE, AND EIGHT
DAYS LATER, CORSI SENT THIS
EMAIL: "WORD IS FRIEND IN
EMBASSY PLANS TWO MORE DUMPS.
ONE SHORTLY AFTER I'M BACK.
SECOND IN OCTOBER.
IMPACT PLANNED TO BE VERY
DAMAGING."
DOES NO ONE IN THIS CONSPIRACY
KNOW HOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT?
I SENT THAT EMAIL TO MYSELF, AND
HERE'S WHAT GOOGLE SUGGESTED AS
AUTORESPONSES: "OKAY."
"SOUNDS GOOD."
OR, "SHUT THE HELL UP, OR WE'RE
BOTH GOING TO JAIL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
WHAT'S THE COUNTER-TONE ON THAT?
OF COURSE, MUELLER'S ASKING,
HE'S ACTUALLY ASKING THIS
QUESTION:
"DID STONE SHARE THIS
INFORMATION WITH THEN-CANDIDATE
DONALD TRUMP?"
WELL, THE TWO DID TALK ABOUT
ONCE A WEEK.
AND ACCORDING TO STONE, "HE
WOULD INITIATE THE CALLS.
I DIDN'T CALL HIM."
OH.
TRUMP SOUNDS THIRSTY.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THE CALLS CAME AT ALL HOURS
OF THE NIGHT, "BECAUSE TRUMP
GETS ALMOST NO SLEEP."
AND NOW, THANKS TO HIM, NEITHER
DO WE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND HERE'S WHERE-- VERY GRATEFUL
PEOPLE.
GET A LOT OF WORK DONE.
HERE'S WHERE IT GETS DAMNING,
BECAUSE STONE RECEIVED CORSI'S
WIKILEAKS INFO, AND THE NEXT
DAY, STONE HAD ONE OF HIS
PRIVATE TALKS WITH TRUMP BUT
INSISTS THAT THE TOPIC OF THE
HACKED EMAILS WAS NEVER
BROACHED.
REALLY?
WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
"HEY, ROG?
ROG, IT'S DONNIE.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I HOPE IT'S THOSE WEIRD GLASSES
AND A SUIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A FISHER-PRICE TOY OF A
MAYOR.
HELLO?
HELLO?
THIS IS MY HAND."
HOWEVER THE MUELLER
INVESTIGATION TURNS OUT, THIS
HAS A BITTERSWEET ENDING,
BECAUSE TRUMP HAS TOLD SOME
ADVISERS THAT HE NO LONGER TALKS
TO STONE.
>> Audience: OOOH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE A LITTLE
LATE THERE, BUT, YEAH.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
HOW ELSE IS HE GOING TO COLLUDE
ON THE PHONE LATE AT NIGHT?
WELL, THIS NEW AD WE FOUND HAS
THE ANSWER.
♪ ♪ ♪
ARE YOU LONELY TONIGHT?
LOOKING FOR HOT COLLUDERS IN
YOUR AREA?
IT'S LATE, BUT IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE FOR A LITTLE TREASON.
CALL 1-555-TO 10 YEARS IN
PRISON.
CALL NOW.
AND LIE YOUR ASS OFF LATER.
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY.
( LAUGHTER )
CALLS MAY BE RECORDED FOR
CONVICTION ASSURANCE.
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