(exiting instrumental music)
- Here's some news,
while enriching himself and associates
at the expense of people and the planet,
the president took some time to talk about himself,
and complain about the news and how everyone is lying
about him and then he lied about that
and other stuff in the process,
and you know some of it's small,
some of it's calculated and malicious
and some of it's because he just doesn't know
and it'll be like a mixture of a couple things he heard
then exaggerated and filtered
through his need to make it about himself,
and in addition to all of the things I just said
illustrating poor qualities of leadership,
they also acted as a distraction for a lot of the things
he doesn't want people to notice that are enriching himself
and associates at the expense of people and the planet.
And.
That's, the news.
We did it.
(exiting instrumental music)
Still here?
Alright, so here's some, more specific news,
the president voluntarily lied about calling almost
every fallen soldier's family,
causing the White House to scramble for the information
that would be required for when the president
starts making all those phone calls.
Then it was reported that he had an insensitive phone call
with the widow of Sgt. La David Johnson
in which the president seemed to not know the soldier's name
and also allegedly told the wife,
"He knew what he signed up for...
"but when it happens, it hurts anyway,"
showing, this says empathy
but it should say, showing that he's bad at this,
and also showing he has a deeply disturbing view
of what soldiers sign up for.
As the Commander-In-Chief,
thinks his soldiers sign up to die.
Not great, especially considering he keeps teasing war
like it's a fun game for us all to play,
and thinks we should invade countries and take their oil.
- We should have said we'll help you,
but we want 50% of your oil.
- Anyway, the president was accused
of not knowing the soldier's name,
and thus took to Twitter to tell the people directly
that he knows the soldier's name by tweeting
"Democrat Congresswoman totally fabricated what I said
"to the wife of a soldier who died in action,
"and I have proof, sad!"
And I have been convinced
that he knows the name,
of the soldier,
and the wife,
and the Congresswoman.
Because of proof.
Sad.
This story continued until he finally snapped
and told everyone.
- No hesitation, one of the great memories of all time.
One of the great memories of all time.
- Or a GMOAT.
He's the proud owner of a GMOAT,
despite saying "I don't remember" 35 times
during his deposition for the case against Trump University,
a fraud university,
and despite declaring October 24th United Nations Day
even though it's been United Nations Day since 1948,
and despite saying under oath
he wouldn't recognize Felix Sater
if he were in the room with him right now,
despite Felix Sater being a Russian-linked mafia figure
who worked with the president
on several real estate projects,
has been photographed near him several times,
literally lived in Trump tower,
and was the one who wrote an email
to Trump's lawyer that read,
"Our boy can become president of the USA
"and we can engineer it.
"I will get all of Putin's team to buy in on this,
"I will manage this process."
Or maybe, not despite of all that.
Probably because of it?
(exiting instrumental music)
But anyway, in the interest
of one of the great memories of all time, here's some news,
when this week Sarah Huckabee Sanders
said it's inappropriate to question a General,
even when that General is retired
and now the Chief of Staff for the White House
that you speak for, a GMOAT-haver
might remember when Donald Trump did exactly that,
and when John Kelly attacks Congresswoman Wilson
for making a speech honoring Americans
who died for the country about herself and money,
even though it turned out that's not what happened,
one can't help but agree with 4-Star General
and current White House Chief of Staff
for the Trump Administration, John Kelly,
that empty barrels make the most noise.
Or as daughter of local DC comic Mike Huckabee
and current Press Secretary for the Trump Administration
Sarah Huckabee Sanders said
"If you're able to make a sacred act like honoring
"American heroes about yourself, you're an empty barrel."
And then a GMOAT-haver might point to President Trump
on literally his first full day of office when he gave
a speech to the CIA in front of a wall representing
117 CIA employees who died in the line of duty.
- We had, it looked, honestly,
it looked like a million and a half people,
whatever it was, it was,
but it went all the way back to the Washington Monument.
I think we have the all-time record
in the history of Time Magazine.
Like if Tom Brady's on the cover,
it's one time because he won the Superbowl or something,
right? (laughing)
I've been on for 15 times this year.
I don't think that's a record, Mike,
that can ever be broken.
Do you agree with that?
Trust me, I'm like a smart person.
- He said, to the intelligence community,
in front of the wall, commemorating their fallen colleagues
10 days after comparing them to Nazis, in Nazi Germany,
and I'm not even gonna touch the Nazi thing.
Could.
But I won't.
What sparked this tweet, the CIA-is-Nazis tweet,
was the release of the now infamous Steele Dossier,
which alleges Trump's campaign colluded
with the Russian government during the 2016 election
via various channels and financial dealings.
It also alleges activities which make the president's
use of quotes around leak very interesting.
But it's back in the news, so.
(exiting instrumental music)
Here's some news, the Steele Dossier was funded
in part by bum bum bum,
the Democratic National Committee
and the Clinton campaign as opposition research,
which is a thing that all candidates do,
through private firms,
like the ones hired to produce the dossier.
They don't traditionally email people
connected to the Russian government and get emails back
saying, "I will get all of Putin's team to buy in on this,"
but they do hire private firms to research opponents,
and even though the president wants to make a big art
of the deal out of this,
the news that the DNC funded some of it isn't news
because it was already widely known that the firm was hired
by a Republican donor in the Republican primary,
stopped paying when Trump got the nomination,
Democrats started picking up the bill, Steele came on,
Trump won, the Democrats stopped paying,
and Steele kept investigating
because he thought it was credible and important.
So it's weird the president keeps bringing up
the discredited dossier, which, first of all,
more like pisscredited, and also of all,
it's not been discredited, in fact,
many aspects of the dossier have been confirmed,
by other outlets, and by the intelligence community.
- I'm a very intelligent person.
- Uh-huh!
Speaking of that, another big story Trump and Sean Hannity
are yelling about now is the Uranium One deal
because Hillary Clinton was given millions by the Russian
government for 20% of our uranium, to use, for bombs.
Or, this is an old news story in which a Russian company
bought a 51% stake in a company merged
from South Africa-based Uranium One
and Canada-based UrAsia Energy,
and the transfer of ownership needed to be approved
by then-president Barack Hussein Obama as advised
by the Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States
which was made up of Hillary Clinton
and eight other cabinet members and of which the
Secretary of Treasury is the chairperson,
and the uranium is still in the United States, still here,
and is not allowed to be exported
because Uranium One doesn't have an NRC export license,
and the majority of the alleged quid pro quo donations
were made a year and a half
before Clinton was Secretary of State, and three years
after the donor sold his stake in the company.
Who knows, though, there might be something there.
But this story stemmed from opposition research
by Steve Bannon, some of it's been discredited,
not like Trump's lawyer discredited the dossier by proving
he'd never been to Prague by tweeting a picture
of the front of a passport, but you know, there were errors.
And the article that restarted this Uranium One talk
was written by pro-Trump,
weirdly pro-Michael Flynn, John Solomon,
who was the COO of Circa,
a media company loved by Sean Hannity that pushed
anonymous allegations against Trump's enemies
and was bought in 2015 by the pro-Trump Sinclair Group
which currently covers about 40% of American households
in drippy Trumpy propaganda
without you even knowing it or telling you.
Just how he likes it.
And this story was pushed by none other than Devin Nunes,
who you might remember recused himself
from Russia-related investigations
because he helped the president lie
about evidence of wire tapping of the president.
Devin Nunes, also happens to be the guy who helped break
the story about the dossier being funded by the DNC.
Busy guy, Devin.
Almost like you and the president and his buddy in state
media are doing a little, like, coordinated propaganda.
To, distract people.
- I'm a very intelligent person.
- Wow.
Maybe.
A little bit.
Although, he recently said that
after being asked if he should be more civil.
His answer to should you be more civil was that
he went to an Ivy League school and is very intelligent
but it's not a great answer to that question,
especially if you have a GMOAT,
because he transferred to that Ivy League school
in his junior year as a favor
from the admissions officer who is his brother's friend.
If you're an intelligent person you don't say you're
an intelligent person after being asked why you're uncivil.
The question was about why you're a bully.
You know, cause you're a bully.
Your wife is on an anti-bullying campaign along with
Betsy DeVos who thanks to my GMOAT I know has so far
rolled back protections for transgender students
and sexual assault survivors and students with disabilities,
and I wonder if a GMOAT could think of a good single moment
to represent bullying and the disabled and memory.
- Ah, I don't remember!
- Cool.
I knew we could do it.
- I'm a very intelligent person.
- I know.
As a fellow GMOAT-haver I remember you donated
your second quarter salary of $100,000
to the department of education, something you value,
but as a GMOAT-haver,
you also cut the education budget by millions.
But, GMOAT-wise I remember you said you'd donate your salary
which is nice but damn my GMOAT that's literally
what Hitler did and GMOAT gettin' me hard you also
slept next to Hitler's speeches and when asked about it
you asked, "Who told you about that?"
And then said, "Yeah but not Hitler's speeches,"
"my friend Marty gave me Mein Kampf,
"but it's okay because he's Jewish."
But your friend says, "No it wasn't Mein Kampf.
"It was My New Order, Hitler's speeches,"
and also he's not Jewish and then you brought it up again
later to say that if you had Hitler's speeches,
you wouldn't read them.
But, as an GMOAT,
I remember saying I wouldn't bring up Nazis.
Dang.
(exciting instrumental music)
Here's some news,
Republican Senator Jeff Flake gave a speech
about how Trump sucks, so,
welcome to the #Resist#ance and the #21st century.
Even though Flake basically said,
"Because I am no longer seeking reelection,
"I may now speak my mind.
"The things that I said are good, are, bad.
"You're welcome for my bravery."
And even though now that he's leaving, his seat is open,
and Bannon can get a far right
nationalist candidate in there instead.
And GMOATs might notice he has more than
a 90% voting alignment with Trump
and less than 12 hours after his brave speech,
his GMOAT (bleep) itself and he voted
to strip away consumers' rights to sue banks.
Good thing banks don't do crimes that cause problems
and then don't answer for it already.
Good thing, lies.
(exciting instrumental music)
He's so obviously a liar, and not a very intelligent person,
and doesn't know what he's doing, and is unhinged,
and doesn't have the people's best interest at heart,
and is just, he's just a liar.
Long history of it, lies all the time.
Little stuff like lying about his approval rating
which has been lower than 40% for 21 straight weeks
or big stuff like, "I will uphold the Constitution."
His lying is so obvious, and if you still support him,
sorry, you're just a, you're fascist,
or you're in a cult, maybe both.
It's, um, alarming.
But the one thing cults and fascist regimes
need to succeed above all else is a charismatic leader.
So even though (bleep) you Jeff Flake, fist shake,
the more and more people who acknowledge what a danger
he specifically is, the sooner we can get rid of him
and he can stop distracting us with his (bleep)
and, with Trump gone,
there will be an opening for a new charismatic leader.
And I'm not worried about that.
(exciting instrumental music)
Sorry, that was pretty bleak.
Fascism, cults.
So, to close, speaking of the Interior and parks,
to which the president donated his first quarter salary
and also from which cut millions of its budget,
here's some fun news.
You know how when you think of rich people in New York
who've been staples of the city for decades and allegedly
donate millions to charity all the time and are good people?
And how over all those years,
there'd be something named after them.
A park.
A park bench.
A street.
Something that's not a hotel built by them,
or steaks made by them, or a fake university made by them.
But there's not.
Except wait, thank you GMOAT, there literally is
a Donald J. Trump State Park in New York.
He bought the land for two million dollars
and tried to build a golf resort on it
and couldn't get the permits so he donated it
and wrote it off for $100 million and they tried to turn it
into a dog park but the buildings have asbestos in them.
Now, it just sits around looking like this.
Look at it.
Look at it.
Look at the metaphor for his brain and soul.
Greatest memory of all time.
Only I can fix it.
Look at me, the greatest park in the world.
That's his park.
He's the president.
His (bleep) park looks like that.
We're done.
(exciting instrumental music)
That's his park.
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