Stephen Colbert Monologue 9-8 : The Late show Colbert Trump Jr. claimed innocence to senate investigators
Everybody welcome welcome to the Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert
Crowd there's no there's no mistake on Friday crowd man
You can take a core sample this crowd pull it out and count the rings of Friday
That's how pure the party crowd is tonight now us and I hope everybody out there is staying safe or evacuated away from Hurricane
Thermos thing is serious
Look at the Weather Channel's apt
actual forecast for Miami Beach this weekend
100 percent chance of rain wins a hundred and twenty seven miles an hour
still
less chaotic than Spring Break at Daytona Beach
But we want to send our thoughts and prayers to everyone affected also
Thoughts and money if you don't know where to give
Tuning on Tuesday to hand-in-hand a telefon to benefit everyone affected by both hurricanes
Irma and Harvey I will be there Manning the phones. Give me a call who knows you might learn something. You don't know about me
like my pin number
Which would also allow you to give more money
Good luck with that meanwhile. What else is going on. Oh yes yesterday?
Eldest son and man whose head makes its own gravy Donald Trump jr.
Had a really big day on Capitol Hill. He met with Senate Judiciary Committee
Investigators you see he's been accused of having met with a Russian lawyer in hopes of getting dirt on Hillary, Clinton
But he explained. It was all big misunderstanding in fact. He actually
Met with a Russian lawyer in hopes of getting dirt on Hillary, Clinton
See nothing to see here folks
because his testimony was not on camera, but that
Doesn't mean Don Jr. Is hiding right?
He came in he avoided the cameras on his way
and they clearly do not want pictures of him doing this they came in through a
hidden loading dock deep in the bowels of the Capitol
Yes, the bowels of the Capitol where all of America's most courageous leaders are pooped out
Now the New York Times has obtained a copy of Don Jr
Statements where he reportedly maintains that nothing came of the Trump Tower meeting therefore
He never colluded with the Russian government right that makes it perfectly legal
You know like if you rob a bank and the vault turns out to be empty
no harm no foul
Can I still have a free calendar
but
Maybe the scariest Russia story out there right now is the revelation that Russia linked hackers breached
100 nuclear and conventional power plants just this year which explains why the Palo Verde nuclear power stations employee of the month
was done
So far the hackers intrusions have been gathering intelligence
Technical diagrams reports passwords and crypto keys crypto keys by the way was also the title of my all
synthesizer concept album
Of course jeez
Of course every hacker group needs a cool name and this being Russia they went with an energetic bear
Energetic bear yes, you might remember him as the most sexually active Care Bear
Now
You might have made that up now
For legal reasons now so far so far all these hackers have done is poke around but some experts fear
But it's the first step to a plan of causing electrical
blackouts what but without electricity I will be able to watch the news and
please God hack our power plants I
Haven't slept since January 20th
Meanwhile Donald Trump has just named a new head of NASA
Oklahoma Congressman Jim Bryden Stein
Bryden Stein of course was shortened at Ellis Island from Bride of Frankenstein
But
Get a natural there for a while very nice
But here's the deal Bryden Steinem does not believe that humans are causing climate change
Interesting the guy who doesn't believe in climate change is the one with easy access to the spaceships?
Everything's fine nothing to worry about you keep fighting those storms. I'll be in the escape rocket
Now
Critics point out that bridenstine is not a scientist or an engineer
Though he was involved with a rocket-powered aircraft League think NASCAR, but with rocket planes
That sentence think NASCAR, but with rocket planes is the leading cause of death in North Carolina
and
and while bridenstine would be the first head of NASA without any science or engineering background do not worry because
according to NPR
He's a big fan of the moon
Great oh
Why not
So he's just as qualified as my dog. Oh
speaking of space
Speaking of space. This is actually pretty bean is big news from a galaxy far far away
Recently Thank You, Wookiee. I'm not sure
Who that is out in the audience?
Recently we learned that Jurassic world director Colin Trevorrow
Is out as director of Star Wars Episode nine I believe we have a video of how he was fired
They always choke you on a Friday
Lucasfilm has released a statement saying that they have mutually chosen to part ways with
Director while Colin Trevorrow released a statement saying if you strike me down I should become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
That his robe just collapsed. It was weird there's nobody there
Now this turnover is just the latest indication
They're not always well in that wretched hive of scum and villainy we call Hollywood
Because it comes after doesn't he fired the directors of the young Han Solo movie and headed to expensive reshoots on Star Wars rogue one
Plus the ASPCA came down on them pretty hard for their treatment of Chewbacca
Sorry
Episode 9 is slated to come out in less than two years so obviously Disney is scrambling to find a replacement
Director as fast as possible we thought we'd help here at the Late Show by suggesting some people
We thought would do a great job first up if there's one thing we can all agree on is the Star Wars films
we're missing 70s music and extended conversations about
cheeseburgers so get ready for Quentin Tarantino's Star Wars Episode nine
everybody shoots first
Of course I'd watch that
I'd watch of course Tarantino can be a little polarizing, but everybody loves romantic comedy
So what about Nancy Meyers Star Wars Episode nine?
what wookies plot
Sometimes sometimes the droids you were looking for right in front of you the whole time
But one director is really throwing his hat into the ring for this job. Even going ahead and making his own trailer ladies and gentlemen
Presenting a new take on Star Wars from the knee allistic German director of Fitzcarraldo and Grizzly Man
Verna Herzog a
Long time ago in the galaxy far far away
As far away as a mother's affectionate glance or too cold touch of your sobbing lava
The evil force toward us seeks control of the galaxy
Forgetting that the galaxy itself is not but the infinite void this is the very of things
In the desert there is nothing but suffering life cannot sustain here
But truly it cannot sustain anywhere that is inevitable and in this we find comfort
look
mosquitos dancing on the carcass of infinity our agony lends us brilliance I
Love this guy. He is a spunky little robot ball, and I like that
This earring cart of the lightsaber cannot compare to the unfeeling violence of our endless universe
Star Wars Episode nine
By doing me the subtitle and 100 years from now each of us will be dead buried in the cold dark brown
We are coming up on the weekend, this is a Friday Friday means
We're about to do Stephen Colbert's midnight confessions, which reminds me this weekend go out
Get my new book Stephen Colbert's midnight confessions. We are going to milk this thing
Until there is nothing left. There's gonna be an audiobook
midnight confessions the Broadway musical
Which will then be adapted into a movie midnight confessions?
Tokyo Drift
Who's there to be novelized in book form so don't miss the boat get it on the ground floor?
With midnight confessions all right now we do
Know don't fight it bring it
Now we do midnight confessions because even though I'm a Catholic. I don't make it to church as often as there is Church and
What I miss most about the sacraments is confession so if you don't mind I'd like to confess to you my audience you won't
Tell anybody right
Great this is Stephen Colbert's midnight confessions
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