WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE WE ARE, ONCE AGAIN, TRUMP
WANTS TO FIRE SOMEBODY.
BUT IN A REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE IT'S NOT DONALD BECAUSE
TODAY WE FOUND OUT IN A STUNNING MOVE, FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP
IS CALLING FOR THE FIRING OF DEPARTMDEPUTY NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER, MIRA RICARDEL.
I ASSUME MELANIA'S DOING IT WITH HER TRADITIONAL GOODBYE GIFT, A
JACKET THAT SAYS "U DON'T REALLY WORK HERE ANYMORE, DO U?"
APPARENTLY, THE FIRST LADY'S TEAM "SUSPECT MS. RICARDEL IS
BEHIND SOME NEGATIVE STORIES ABOUT MRS. TRUMP AND HER STAFF."
ALTHOUGH, AN ANONYMOUS INSIDE SOURCE IS QUOTED AS SAYING, "NO,
I'M NOT.
I MEAN, SHE'S NOT!
WHATEVER, I GOT TO PACK MY STUFF."
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER TODAY, THE FIRST LADY'S
COMMUNICATION DIRECTOR PUT OUT THIS BLISTERING STATEMENT
ABOUT RICARDEL.
"IT IS THE POSITION OF THE OFFICE OF THE FIRST LADY THAT
SHE NO LONGER DESERVES THE HONOR OF SERVING IN THIS WHITE HOUSE."
THAT IS A CLASSY WAY TO DISS SOMEBODY.
"FURTHERMORE, IT IS THE POSITION OF THIS OFFICE THAT THE FIRST
LADY WILL CUT A BITCH."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY!
>> Stephen: RIGHT?
>> Jon: TESTY.
>> Stephen: HAVE THAT-- HAVE THAT ENGRAVED ON SOME STATIONARY
AND SENT OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS STORY HAS UNEARTHED SOME
JUICY BEHIND-THE-SCENES DETAILS ABOUT THE FIRST LADY'S
RELATIONSHIP WITH CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY.
APPARENTLY, MELANIA RAISED CONCERNS WITH HER HUSBAND
EARLIER THIS YEAR THAT KELLY HAD DENIED REQUESTS TO PROMOTE SOME
OF HER AIDES.
THE PRESIDENT WAS FURIOUS AND TOLD KELLY TO GIVE THE FIRST
LADY WHAT SHE WANTED, SAYING, "I DON'T NEED THIS (BLEEP)."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WOW!
CHOICE WORDS!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THAT'S KIND OF SWEET.
HE QUOTED HIS WEDDING VOWS.
AND THERE'S MORE BIG NEWS-- THIS IS HUGE:
DEMOCRAT KYRSTEN SINEMA HAS WON THE ARIZONA SENATE RACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
SCRATCH THAT ITCH!
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!
>> Stephen: WAVE!
SINEMA IS A FORMER GREEN PARTY ACTIVIST WHO HAS BECOME A
MODERATE MEMBER OF CONGRESS, WHICH LED HER OPPONENT,
REPUBLICAN MARTHA McSALLY, TO CLAIM SHE WAS JUST PRETENDING TO
BE A CENTRIST.
PRETENDING TO BE A CENTRIST-- THAT IS THE LAMEST ROLE PLAY.
OH, YEAH, BABY, YOU PRETEND TO BE A CENTRIST, AND I'LL PRETEND
TO BE AN UNDECIDED VOTER.
YOU MAINTAIN THAT STATUS QUO.
YOU FIND THAT MIDDLE GROUND, YOU HERE?
YOU REACH ACROSS THE AISLE.
( LAUGHTER ) SINEMA IS THE FIRST WOMAN
ELECTED TO THE SENATE FROM ARIZONA.
ALSO, SHE WILL BECOME THE FIRST-EVER OPENLY BISEXUAL
SENATOR.
FOR A REACTION-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR A REACTION TO THIS NEWS, LET'S GO LIVE TO VICE PRESIDENT
MIKE PENCE.
THAT IS NOT A STILL IMAGE.
THAT IS ROLLING VIDEO.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A
VERY BAD WEEK FOR THE PRESIDENT, CASE IN POINT, NORTH KOREA.
BACK IN JUNE TRUMP CLAIMED EVERYBODY CAN NOW FEEL MUCH
SAFER THAN THE DAY I TOOK OFFICE.
THERE IS NO LONGER A NUCLEAR THREAT FROM NORTH KOREA, BECAUSE
OUR REAL ENEMIES ARE CHINA, CANADA, AND ACOSTA.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEBODY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO
THAT NORTH KOREA WASN'T A THREAT, AND THAT SOMEBODY WAS
KIM JONG-UN, BECAUSE WE JUST FOUND OUT NORTH KOREA IS MOVING
AHEAD WITH ITS BALLISTIC MISSILE PROGRAM AT 16 HIDDEN BASES.
16!
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THOSE WEREN'T ACTUALLY NEW "JOHNNY
ROCKETS" RESTAURANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRUMP DISPUTES THE
MEANING OF THESE SATELLITE IMAGES, TWEETING, "THE STORY IN
'THE NEW YORK TIMES' CONCERNING NORTH KOREA DEVELOPING MISSILE
BASES IS INACCURATE.
WE FULLY KNOW ABOUT THE SITES BEING DISCUSSED, NOTHING NEW--
AND NOTHING HAPPENING OUT OF THE NORMAL.
JUST MORE FAKE NEWS.
I WILL BE THE FIRST TO LET YOU KNOW IF THINGS GO BAD!"
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
FOR INSTANCE, SEE THAT MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER THERE.
NOT GOOD.
AND TRUMP'S STILL GETTING OVER HIS BIG WEEKEND IN PARIS, WHERE
HE CAUGHT A LOT OF FLACK FOR SKIPPING A MEMORIAL CEREMONY
BECAUSE OF RAIN.
AND AFTER THREE DAYS OF STEWING, HE FINALLY THOUGHT OF A GOOD
COMEBACK.
EARLIER TODAY HE TWEETED, "BY THE WAY, WHEN THE HELICOPTER
COULDN'T FLY TO THE FIRST CEMETERY IN FRANCE BECAUSE OF
ALMOST ZERO VISIBILITY, I SUGGESTED DRIVING.
SECRET SERVICE SAID NO, TOO FAR FROM AIRPORT AND BIG PARIS
SHUTDOWN.
SPEECH NEXT DAY AT AMERICAN CEMETERY IN POURING RAIN!
LITTLE REPORTED-- FAKE NEWS!" I KNOW IT SEEMS POINTLESS TO
BRING THIS UP, BUT TRUMP SPELLED "CEMETERY" BOTH RIGHT AND WRONG
IN THE SAME TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND AFTER FRENCH PRESIDENT
EMANUEL MACRON ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK I'M-- I TRUST I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?
MADE THINLY VEILED CRITICISMS OF TRUMP'S SELF-PROCLAIMED
NATIONALIST POLICIES, TODAY THE PRESIDENT FOUGHT BACK THE ONLY
WAY HE KNOWS HOW: PROPOSING NATIONALIST TARIFFS.
"ON TRADE, FRANCE MAKES EXCELLENT WINE, BUT SO DOES
THE U.S.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT FRANCE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR THE U.S. TO
SELL ITS WINES INTO FRANCE, AND CHARGES BIG TARIFFS, WHEREAS THE
U.S. MAKES IT EASY FOR FRENCH WINES, AND CHARGES VERY SMALL
TARIFFS.
NOT FAIR, MUST CHANGE!" AREN'T YOU LOSING SUPPORT WITH
SUBURBAN WHITE WOMEN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO COME AFTER WINE!
WHAT'S NEXT, BANNING BOOK CLUB AND NANCY MEYERS MOVIES?
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO TWEETED, "EMMANUEL
MACRON SUGGESTS BUILDING ITS OWN ARMY TO PROTECT EUROPE
AGAINST THE U.S., CHINA AND RUSSIA.
BUT IT WAS GERMANY IN WORLD WARS ONE AND TWO.
HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR FRANCE?
THEY WERE STARTING TO LEARN GERMAN IN PARIS BEFORE THE U.S.
CAME ALONG.
PAY FOR NATO OR NOT!" FRANCE AND GERMANY ARE ALLIES
NOW-- YOU CAN'T JUST PICK A CONFLICT FROM HISTORY.
(AS TRUMP) "ALSO, FRANCE, I WOULDN'T TRUST
ITALY.
REMEMBER HOW CEASAR INVADED YOUR SOUTHERN PROVINCE TO PAY OFF HIS
DEBTS?
VENI, VEDI, VINCI."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP SAVED HIS BEST TWITTER
SCREAM FOR LAST: "MAKE FRANCE GREAT AGAIN!"
"M.F.G.A!" ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK-- I SUSPECT DONALD TRUMP'S GOING TO HAVE A NEW LOOK
AT HIS NEXT RALLY!
( LAUGHTER )
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