-Let's get to the news.
President Trump today responded to criticism
that he canceled a visit to a cemetery in France
due to bad weather, tweeting, quote,
"By the way, when the helicopter couldn't fly
"to the first cemetery in France
"because of almost zero visibility,
"I suggested driving.
"Secret Service said, 'No, too far from airport,
and big Paris shutdown.'"
Okay, so you know how sometimes there's a little button
at the bottom of a tweet that says "translate tweet"?
[ Laughter ]
Let's see what happens if we hit that.
"Waaaah!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Waaaah!"
[ Applause ]
First Lady Melania Trump issued a statement today
calling for the removal
of Deputy National Security Advisor Mira Ricardel.
Wait. She can do that? [ Laughter ]
All this time we've been waiting for Robert Mueller
to get rid of Trump when we should have been talking to her.
[ Laughter ]
She already doesn't like him.
[ Cheers and applause ]
CNN has filed a lawsuit against President Trump
after the White House suspended
reporter Jim Acosta's press pass.
Really? You want to go after Trump with a lawsuit?
That guy lives for lawsuits. [ Laughter ]
He's been served more than the Big Mac.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Trying to sue him
is like trying to drown a fish. [ Laughter ]
If you really want to go after him,
stop inviting liars onto your network
to tell everybody how great he is.
Start there.
[ Cheers and applause ]
A toy company has announced that it will begin selling
a Lego-inspired kit for kids called MAGA Build the Wall.
The way it works is you scream about how much you want it,
and your parents never provide the funding.
[ Laughter ]
The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree arrived
at the building this weekend, but the bad news is
it took Alec Baldwin's parking space.
[ Laughter ]
So...
[ Applause ]
Today was National Actors Day.
Said actors, "Oh, my God!"
[ Laughter ]
"It is?!
I had no idea!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Two men are competing to be the first person
to complete an unassisted 921-mile trek across Antarctica.
Which is dumb, because if they just wait a few years,
Antarctica will only be like 20 miles, tops.
[ Laughter ]
[ Scattered "Aw"s ]
Aw. Aw.
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitates sobbing ]
A group of people in Florida helped police chase down
a miniature pig over the weekend who was found
running down a busy highway.
So no, he's not handling getting fired very well.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A school district in Wisconsin
is investigating a picture on social media
of a group of high school boys giving the Nazi salute,
who claimed they only did it
because the photographer asked them to.
Though it's never a good sign when your defense is literally,
[ German accent ] "We were just following orders!"
[ Laughter ]
According to a new study, Christmas Eve
is the cheapest time to buy a tree,
with an average price of $47.
I don't know, I feel like if you wait until about January 10th,
you can just grab one for free.
[ Laughter ]
A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at an auction
this weekend, but before you waste your money,
most beds have been slept in by Bill Clinton.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't throw your money away.
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