It's time once again for us to take a step back
from covering the news of the day
and look back at everything that made 2018
the year we all want to forget.
And we'll start with the one guy who won't let us forget him:
President Donald J. Trump.
Now, look, now, look, I'm not gonna lie.
This year we spent so much time on Trump's evilness
that we didn't really get to enjoy
one of his most important characteristics,
and that is... the dude is super weird.
(laughter)
No, like, seriously, guys, the president is a weird dude.
We just never talk about it
because it all happens under the evil, right?
And when you think it, a lot of evil guys--
if you ignore the evil part--
are also just, like, really weird, right?
Like a lot of the supervillains, like the Penguin in Batman.
If he wasn't always threatening Gotham,
you'd just be like, "Hey, Penguin, you're a weird dude."
Like, what's with all the penguin shit, anyway?
Is it a sex thing? Was one of your parents a penguin?
I mean, if I looked like a penguin,
I wouldn't be leaning into it by wearing a tuxedo.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I'd wear, like, a different colored shirt.
Break it up with a belt or something.
Well, Trump is the same way.
So for a minute we're not gonna pay attention
to the bad things he does, right?
We're just gonna enjoy how weird the president is.
So let's take a moment to look back on 2018,
the year in Trump being weird.
(cheering and applause)
To truly enjoy how weird President Trump is,
we have to listen to him speak.
And not what he says, 'cause that will make you crazy,
but how he says it.
Because all politicians perform when they give a speech,
but when Trump does it, it's, like, really weird.
I want to congratulate
the North Dakota State "Bi-zon."
Canada! Nevada!
Hispanic! Any Hispanic here? I think so.
Any Asians? Asian? Asian? Any Asians?
Donald Trump's very, very large, uh, brain.
Knives, knives, knives.
You know, the windmills. Boom, boom, boom.
Bing. That's the end of that windmill.
The road is no longer a straight shot.
It's now "wah."
Keep America great, exclamation point!
The Democrat party is radical socialism,
Venezuela, and open borders.
What is that?
"Venezuela."
Like, he's speaking, and then all of a sudden...
It's like Trump is a one-man barbershop quartet.
Like, he should start his speeches,
like, with a pitch pipe.
He should just be like...
(plays note)
♪ Democrat, socialism, Venezuela ♪
♪ Democrat, socialism, Venezuela ♪
♪ That's why we got to build a wall ♪
♪ But not a real wall ♪
♪ A series of artistically designed metal slats. ♪
The dude is weird. And here's another thing.
Did you guys ever notice
that whenever he's done using something,
he just drops it on the ground?
Like, he doesn't look for a place to put...
He... Here, take a look.
MAN: It's not just a plan for FEMA.
It's a plan for the whole community.
So it's a plan that I'd like, um, to unify...
(woman speaking Spanish)
Yo, like, I'm sorry, like--
No, here's the thing, here's the thing.
Like, the umbrella, I can sort of get, right?
The water bottle? That's quirky.
But the microphone-- that's just weird.
He takes the mic and then he's like, "I guess you just drop it.
"I mean, if the man with the silver tray's not here,
you just drop it."
And just randomly leaving things on the ground
is gonna come back and bite him in the ass.
Because if Trump ever has to run from the law--
which he will have to--
Mueller can just follow his trail of objects
wherever he's hiding.
Trump will be like, "How did you find me?"
Be like, "I just followed the trail of staples
and umbrellas and NDAs."
"Oh, the stapler! I was looking for that.
Thank you. There you go."
But here's the number one moment of Trump being weird in 2018.
It happened in October, right,
when we were focusing on the Kavanaugh hearings.
Those were going on, people were protesting in the streets,
so we couldn't enjoy the weirdness of this moment.
Guys, watch this and tell me we are living in the real world.
REPORTER: Yesterday, while boarding Air Force One
in Minneapolis, Commander in Chief
climbing the stairs with what appears to be
some toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
At the top of the stairs, a wave to the crowds below.
Trump then turns,
and it seems like he was finally freed
from the pesky piece of paper.
People,
the president of the United States got out of a limo
and into Air Force One with toilet paper stuck on his shoe.
Do you understand how weird this is?
Because there's only two ways this could have happened, right?
The first way is that President Trump wiped his butt
in the limo, right?
Possible but unlikely.
But the other way is that the president
of the United States got toilet paper stuck on his shoe
in a bathroom, then walked past hundreds of people--
Secret Service, White House aides--
and no one said anything? No one?
He's so weird that everyone saw it and they were like,
"That's probably his new thing?"
But, honestly, my favorite thing Donald Trump does
that I enjoy when I'm not spending time being terrified
is just, like-- I don't know, he just--
he has a way with words.
I know words. I have the best words.
♪ ♪
From the Wright brothers
to that beautiful Orion space "cap-sicle."
The federal government is "con-ducking"
an aggressive investigation.
To be the first president to stand with you here
at the White House to "addreth..."
The wall is under construction.
A lot of work has been done.
A lot of "renoversh."
If you look at some of it...
And he voted for...
"Obamna" amnesty.
By a sleazebag lawyer named Avianté.
Assistant Secretary "Jerr-- Jerrarr"
and "Surgeoned" General Adams.
Joining us from al-Jaber Air Base in Kuwait
is the Central Command "Chris" Response
and Crisis Response.
We don't want you
to put defensive "mishiz"
and missiles.
Significantly beating expectations
in the House for the "midtowm"
and "midturn" year.
The op-ed published in the failing New York Times
by "anonommess..."
really, an "anomonissss..."
Who were kidnapped by Boko Haram
in April of 20,014.
Merry "Chrissus," "erry--"
everybody.
You know, 2018 was so insane,
every day felt ten years long.
For a look at all the stories that you can't actually believe
happened this year, here's Desi Lydic and Jaboukie Young-White!
(cheering and applause)
-Thanks, Trevor. -Thank you.
Jaboukie, wasn't 2018 just a blur of crazy?
Oh, I know. I mean, it lasted forever,
-and we had to drink a ton just to get through it. -Mm.
It was like a straight wedding.
I know!
Wait, but you had fun at my wedding, right?
-Yeah... (chuckles) -Yeah.
Hey, here's a story that feels like forever ago.
Hawaii got a false nuclear missile alert.
Wait, that was this year?
Yeah. January.
Those Hawaiians freaked the (bleep) out.
How do Hawaiians even freak out?
Do they just smash those tiny Zooey Deschanel guitars?
Yeah. Yeah, that's what they do.
Oh, okay. Wow. You know what else?
Elon Musk shooting his car into space--
-this year. -What?
-Yeah. -I bet even Elon Musk forgot that happened this year.
Dude was stoned for most of 2018.
Oh. True, true.
And no judgment. I've gotten so stoned that I thought,
-"How fun would it be to shoot my car into space?" -Oh.
And then I got more stoned and I thought,
"How fun would it be to have a car?" (chuckles)
It's like an Uber that you own, you know.
Oh. Here's another one-- Stormy Daniels.
Yes, that entire saga started 2K-18.
That's right. Husbands all around America pretending
that this was the year they first saw Stormy Daniels.
(laughter)
Ooh, ooh, and the Thai cave rescue this year.
Mm. Trump calling Africa "shithole countries" this year.
The 2016 elections-- that was this year.
Oh, God, it feels at least two years ago.
Oh. The fall of the Berlin Wall-- that was this year.
Mm. Also, Alexander Graham Bell inventing the telephone--
-this year. -Mm.
Forget the iPhone XS.
-Our boy A.G. changed the game back in April. -Yeah.
Back in January, there were still dinosaurs
roaming the earth, remember that?
Yeah, and then they all went extinct in March.
Oh, yeah. Right, the asteroid.
Oh, my God, what a year.
-What a year. -Trevor?
No more weed before shows. Thanks, guys.
(laughter)
Now you also can't talk about 2018
without talking about white people calling the cops
on black people for doing nothing.
Now on its face... on its face, this might seem like racism.
But Dulcé Sloan thinks that there's another issue at play.
SLOAN: Have you been accused of racism
just because you called 911 on a black person for no reason?
-Right. The son grabbed my ass. -WOMAN: Came up the store here.
SLOAN: Have you suffered from shame,
national humiliation, and severe burns on black Twitter?
Well, it may not be your fault.
It may be... your sunglasses.
(ding)
Hi. I'm Dulcé Sloan,
from the law firm Sloan, Me and My Momma.
Due to a manufacturing defect, it's been discovered
that many sunglasses have a racist filter.
Instead of normal sunglasses that block out light
from the ultraviolet spectrum, these defective filters turns
a normal black man
into this scary-looking mother(bleep) right here.
I'll do this shit.
-I ain't going back to jail. -I voted for Obama!
SLOAN: So if you or a loved one has called 911
on a black person,
it must be the sunglasses' fault.
I mean, otherwise, that means you're just racist,
and we both know that that isn't true.
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
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